Instead of drifting off to sleep as I had hoped, my mind wandered and I found myself thinking. About my 'over thinking'. Heehee.
Here are some probably scattered results of that... who the hells knows where this blog will go... I think I'll start at childhood. Grab a beverage.
One of my earliest clear memories is of being taken to a place for some testing. I was 4. I wrote some stuff, played with some stuff, painted with edible finger paint, and who knows what else. Shortly thereafter I was in kindergarten. Then in special classes. I was somewhat fawned over for my unlimited potential for as long as I can remember, and yet I was always horribly insecure, unable to see myself as others saw me, and eventually I melted down under the pressure I couldn't withstand, beginning around sophomore year.
I had always been interested in many different things, to the point where nothing was really my one THING. I wanted to be an archeologist, an Egyptologist, a marine biologist, a vet, a psychologist, an artist, a teacher, but I was never specifically passionate enough about any of those things to pursue any one whole hog.
When I say I melted down, I mean that I stopped working at school. I screwed myself out of a free ride to college. The possibility of pursuing any of those things was out the window, at least for the time being. Then I got pregnant and married. I started paying attention to current events
as a means of stretching my intellect.
I spent a good ten years where my primary focuses were the world outside of me, a crappy marriage and a fairly pointless long relationship, and being a generally miserable person trying to raise a well adjusted kid. (I failed the last, because of the first two)
Eventually the shitty relationships were over, and I was
just exhausted of the outside world. Focusing on it made me physically,
mentally, and spiritually ill. I had no major career path I could pursue.
What's a girl to pay attention to?
And I decided to focus on my own damn world, and buck everything else.Then I was introduced to meditation, and from that narrowed my most attention to the insides of ME.
Then I had an absolutely brilliant relationship, that showed me a whole lot more about the insides of me. Through looking at myself closely, and honestly, I have been able to:
1) Make peace with myself over poor decisions I have made.
2) Make peace with myself over harms I have caused other people, intentionally and unintentionally, to people I have held dear, and people I barely know.
3) Forgive my parents for things that weren't, um, 'parent-y'
4) Properly identify actions and behaviors of my own as to whether
they are driven by my actual self, or my fear driven ego.
5) Once identified, kill off more ego driven actions and behaviors than I could list.
6) Like myself, and find myself to be worthy of good things.
7) Start to knock down my own self imposed 'wall' (though I have a different visualization for it)
8) Trust myself.
9) Be able to both feel, and be comfortable with feeling, happiness.
I'm going to stop listing the benefits I receive from this process, because I am realizing I could do it all day.
The point is, that turning my focus from external things to internal has been the most liberating and rewarding experience of my life. I was never exposed to any sort of religion as I child, and today I am grateful for that, because I have been able to discover spirituality on my own, and in my own time, and that began for me by getting to know myself. I only have the opportunity to truly and intimately Know ONE soul in this lifetime, and because of super self over analysis I have made much headway, and have thrown aside so many things I have picked up along my way that do not reflect who I really am.
Which is not to say that I am who I am at this point in time. I am not yet. I still have great capacity for being my own worst enemy. All things in time. I am ripening. J
In addition to being liberating and rewarding, turning your eye inward is often excruiating. Looking at yourself with honesty and accepting things you have done or who you once were, etc. takes some bravery, because it hurts to admit and accept certain things about yourself.
But it also provides opportunity to ponder, how could this has been done differently? What have I learned from this? And can I do anything to make it better now? <- The answer to this is always Yes, that is where the liberation and reward come in.
I am about 80% certain I would either have been locked up by now or I would have just fled and no one would ever see me again had I not initated this process.
And that's why I love my super over analysis powers. And that's just scratching the surface, barely.
'A life unexamined is not worth living'
Socrates had it going on.
